It has been awhile since I lasted posted on this blog, and it has probably been the most challenging year of my life (and the worst summer). I’ve always been an open book, and shared my journey…it’s time to play catch up. Full disclosure: I have completely fallen off the fitness track, and it’s finally time to get back to focusing on me.
In the spring of 2013 I was approached and asked to come work for a professional fiduciary. It was a hard decision to make because I was going to be taking a huge pay cut, but at the time I wasn’t sure what direction I wanted my career to take so I decided to take a leap of faith and accept the position. At the time, little did I know what I had in store for me over the next year. I was set to start in July of 2013. About a week before starting I was told that it was discovered that there was alleged fraud by the owner, and asked if I still wanted to start not knowing the status of my job or the company. I had already committed, and decided if nothing else, it would be a learning experience (especially from the non-legal side of things). For those who don’t know what a professional fiduciary is we provided services to those who needed a guardian, a conservator, a Social Security Representative Payee, and/or a VA Legal Custodian. Due to the allegations and inability to get bonded, the company had to close. I was asked in December to step up and run the company through the wind-down. I hadn’t even been with the company for six months, and when asked I had no interest in running the company. I reluctantly said yes because if I didn’t they would have had to bring in a third party who knew nothing about the business or our clients, and I figured I would have to do as much work or more just getting them up to speed. This undertaking has nearly consumed my life since last December. It has been challenging, trying, rewarding, maddening, crazy, and every day it is something new. I have learned so much, and have met so many great people. I just really hope that I have made all the individuals who I have worked with through this transition proud. It’s been nothing short of a challenge…with no training. This chapter finally ended on October 24, and it was bittersweet. I wouldn’t have made it through without my good friend Tracee. I love you lady!!
Around the same time I was asked to run the company, I met a man that I just had a natural connection with. We were like instant best friends, and things were just natural and easy between us. He liked and accepted me for me. After two months of hanging out nearly every other day, we made it official. This was a big deal for me. I had finally opened myself up to trusting and being in a relationship. I hadn’t been in a relationship for years, and I don’t take dating casually. As you can probably tell I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am an emotional person. At this point in my life I just didn’t want to get emotionally invested in anyone that I couldn’t potentially see “forever” with. In the past I had met so many men who had lied and cheated. I had finally found someone that I never doubted, and never in a million years did I think he would lie or cheat. We always had so much fun together, and hung out all the time but in the back of my head I always felt something was missing. As much as I loved our time together I always kind of questioned whether I could see myself marrying him if it came to that; and that doubt bothered me because he was like my very best friend. Well fast forward five months to June 3. He told me he had gotten hurt and work and was probably going to go to the ER. Well I couldn’t get in touch with him so I went to his house to make sure he was okay, and he was in bed with someone else. I was dumbfounded, like a deer in headlights. I just couldn’t even believe what I was seeing. As much as it hurt I knew that I was meant to see that because it was the answer to my doubts. I do believe that God brought the two of us into each other’s lives for a reason. I don’t hate him. I have forgiven him. It’s just really hard because I finally trusted again. I know God has someone out there who is my perfect match, and this experience was just a test.
As many of you know I also lost my dad in August. Him and I were never close as he was an alcoholic my entire life, but he was still my dad. I don’t know if the fact that we weren’t close makes his passing harder or easier. He wasn’t close to my siblings either. We never knew what it was like to have a father/child relationship because the alcohol was always most important. If you didn’t know he was an alcoholic, you probably would have never known because he was very high functioning. My dad could drink 24-36 cans of beer in a day, no problem. Even after being told nearly five years ago that he had the beginning of cirrhosis of the liver, he just kept drinking. Things really started going downhill in January of 2013. At that time he ended up in the hospital with respiratory failure, kidney failure and liver failure. After three months between the hospital and transitional care center, he finally made it back home. At that time he was told he probably only had three to five years. He kept drinking. My dad has always been very jealous of the relationship I have with my mom because he wanted my mom all to himself. Because of that jealousy and insecurity he was often very mean to me…all with his words. It was very toxic. Although my mom and I took the brunt of his toxicity we weren’t the only ones…he was this way with my siblings, and he alienated his brothers and his mother. Just weeks after the end of my relationship, my dad never stood on his own again. He went to the hospital at the beginning of July, and didn’t come home until the day before his 60th birthday in August when he went on hospice. His organs were just shutting down, and there was nothing that could be done. We didn’t know when he went to the hospital in July it was the beginning of the end. He passed away two weeks after going on hospice, and it happened much faster than any of us expected. I don’t think he realized he was dying, which could be a blessing or a curse. He was terrified of dying so maybe it was a good thing if he didn’t know, but on the flip side I think there were so many things left unsaid. My mom has really been taking care of him this last year and a half, and he never thanked her. The whole thing is just really sad for all of us. For my sisters and I, he was the one man in our life who was supposed to love us unconditionally and we never experienced that. He was the one who was supposed to show us girls what to look for in a man, and he was supposed to show my brothers what kind of man they should aspire to be. None of us ever saw what a healthy relationship looked like, but he did teach me everything I would never want to find in a man. He was never happy here, and we know he is now in a better place and hopefully he is happy. One day we will find peace in all of this, and I hope that his brothers and my grandma can do the same.
In October I went to Vegas for the first time for my brother’s wedding, and it was so much fun. I absolutely loved the atmosphere, and all the cool hotels, shops, and casinos. I didn’t want to leave when it was time to go. Definitely looking forward to going back, and checking out all of the hotels and casinos at my own pace. Also thinking about possibly doing the Rock & Roll Half-Marathon out there in November!
Throughout the summer and fall I was tentatively training for the Monster Dash Half-Marathon at the end of October. I wasn’t consistent at all with training or working out, often missing weeks at at time, but decided to register anyways. I even convinced my mom to do it with me, and she hadn’t been training! This was her first half-marathon. She is faster than me, but stuck with me throughout the entire race. It was my slowest race yet, but I finished. Half a mile into the race I thought I was done as I was having severe shin pain. I was able to slowly and gently push through, and the pain eventually subsided. Finishing this race probably meant more to me than any other race (except my first) because I did it with my mom, and it was really a metaphor for every obstacle I had faced this year, and just like each of those obstacles I made it through to the other side. I feel bad that my mom didn’t run her first half-marathon at her pace, but so grateful that she stuck with me. Love you mom!!
November was a rough month for me. After the company I was running closed, it was time for me to figure out what was next. The logical step would have been to practice law, and that is what I thought I would do. The more I thought about it though I realized that practicing law full-time just wasn’t for me…it wasn’t fulfilling enough. I was really struggling with what my passion was, and my purpose in life. I want to be passionate about my work, and wake excited about what I get to do everyday. So I spent a lot of time reading, and thinking about what I was passionate about. I thought back to why I went to law school, and it was because I wanted to be in court SPEAKING! I thought back to why I started selling lia sophia, and part of it was the jewelry, but again it was because I got to be out SPEAKING! I remembered that I have been an avid reader since I was very young. Even at the young age of 12 I was already reading motivational, business, and self-help books. I wanted to be the one out speaking and motivating others to have a better life. So after much thinking and introspection I realized what I already knew…that my passions were reading, learning, educating others, and speaking. These are things I love to do even if I never made money doing them. I think that because I went to law school intending to practice it just always felt like that was what I was supposed to do, and if I didn’t , I would be a failure. The problem was that I was so focused on what others expected and thought I should be doing that I never really took the time to see if it made me happy, if it was what I passionate about. So I am happy to say that I am in the process of redefining my career, my definition of success, my website, and my brand. It is terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. Stay tuned for more details, and a new website!
This has been an emotional, life changing year. I am ready for a new year, and fresh start. I am ready to find Jasmine again. I am ready to get rid of all the emotional baggage that I have been holding onto. I am ready to love me, and one day be loved. It’s time to get back in track because I have GREATNESS within me, and grand plans for 2015!